Trying to be grateful for every moment.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Yesterday morning, when Clara didn't wake me up, I freaked out. I'm probably one of the most functioning paranoid people you'll ever meet. I fear the worst. I have a news app on my phone, and it seems that I'm constantly reading news stories about babies under 3 who are kidnapped, sexually abused, killed in accidents, or die from SIDS. I am TERRIFIED that something will happen to Clara. I also feel for the people with fertility problems. I never thought much about it, because I definitely wasn't ready for kids. Although Clara wasn't planned, I would never take her back. Ever, ever, ever. She's the most important thing I've ever done with my life. My greatest achievement.
She's such a perfect baby. I mean, I've been complaining about her teething, but I'm sure colic is worse. She's still the sweetest, smiley baby anyone has ever met. Believe me, they tell me so. And I just keep wondering, what have I done to get something so perfect? So good? And when is it going to be taken away from me?
Sometimes, I get frustrated when I have things to do, and she needs to be held. Or when I wish I could leave the house real quick by myself, without 30 minutes of preparation and a car seat. I need to take a step back and appreciate those things. Clara will become independent soon, and she won't always want to be held. If anything ever happened to Clara, I would be lost. I wouldn't want to go on living. I could never go a day without her sweet smiles when I get her out of bed in the morning, or her giggles when she thinks I'm being silly. The wonderment in her face when she does or sees something new is inspiring.
I love her so much. They tell you that, you know, when you're pregnant. That you'll love this creature more than you ever thought you possibly could. And you believe them, and you think you're prepared. But you have no clue. Then that little squirmy gross creature emerges, and your heart suddenly fills up with so love that you think it's going to explode. There's no room to feel anything else.
I want to feel like that every day. I want to cherish every. single. moment. with Clara. The fussy tantrums, the smiles and giggles, the GROSS diapers, the playful bath times. Everything. I want it all. I take it all. Every moment with Clara is a beautiful blessing. I'm so lucky to be her mom.

1 comment:

Short Leg Lucy said...

Excellent Post!!! I couldn't agree with you more, to be honest. I have definitely thought the EXACT same thing when it comes to her being taken away :[ or anything of that sort, super scary thoughts :[

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