That point where you panic because you're a parent

So. I had a very interesting experience while Clara and I were visiting her Dad in Holland. I had but her down for a nap around 7:30 p.m. on Thursday, and BD and I were in the other room talking.

At 8:00 p.m., she started crying screaming. I went in and picked her up, and then brought her into the bedroom. I looked at her, and vomit was coming out of her nose and she couldn't breathe. I turned her over and hit her hard on the back. She took a couple of breaths and tried to breathe again, and couldn't. Her Dad ran to get the blue bulb sucker thing and I sucked the vomit out of her nose. While BD was getting her some water, she began to "choke" again and her lips turned purplish/blue. I turned her over and smacked her on the back again. Her pink color returned and she began to breathe again. This all happened in less than five minutes.

I was about to call 911. I wasn't sure I could get her buckled in the car seat, or that I wanted to, in case she couldn't breathe again. We got all of our stuff together, put shoes on, got Clara in her car seat, and got in the car in about 90 seconds. BD rode in the back with Clara to make sure she was still breathing, while I sped to urgent care which, luckily, was just down the rode.

When we walked in the door at urgent care, her breathing was normal again, with the exception of a few gasps here and there. After seeing the doctor, he confirmed what I had thought. Clara had aspirated her vomit.

Now, I know that Babies do this. I know that. I've seen it happen. But believe me when I tell you, this was different. I will never forget the panic I saw in Clara's eyes, or how I felt so helpless to make it stop.

The doctor recommended that they do an RSV test (which we did and it was negative) and then sent us to the Hospital for more testing.

At the hospital, they listened to her breathe, and did a chest x-ray. Clara was so good. She seemed back to her old self once we got to the hospital, probably because BD and I had calmed down considerably. Everything was very speedy at the ER, probably because they weren't very busy. And, of course, because everyone loves a cute baby. The doctor came back in, and told us her lungs looked clear, but to watch her over the next 4-5 days for changes, as something could "grow" in her lungs in the meantime. [GROW? Seriously? What an unpleasant thought.] Then we were discharged.

I felt sooo much better that we had her checked out. I will probably not panic so much if it happens again in the future, but I had that moment. The "holy shit I'm a parent" moment. I touched a bit on it in a previous post, but my life is no longer mine. It belongs to her. And if anything happened to her, my life would be destroyed.

I'm still worried. Clara has been running a low-grade fever for the last 24 hours, (currently it's at 101.3 degrees) and she woke up with the sniffles this morning, so I will probably take her in to see the doctor tomorrow.



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