11 months.

Can you believe that Clara is almost a year old? Cuz I can't.

Developments:

-Pushes up on hands and knees and rocks

-Can do downward dog before falling over

-Can walk with help

-Knows words such as "no, grandma, mama, dada, come here, get it!, etc"

-Signs- eat, more, please, all done, thirsty.

-Initiates peek-a-boo

-Waves "bye-bye" (when she feels like it)

-Started to use cutlery

-Gives kisses

-Holds hands up and grunts to be picked up

-Listens (80% of the time) when told "no"

-Less dependent on pacifier, more dependent on blanket

-Says "mama" and "dada"

Loves:

-Getting teeth brushed

-Baths

-"walking"

-Favorite book: Brown Bear, Brown Bear What do You See?

-Favorite food: yogurt and eggs

-Favorite show: (horrible, I know) Little Einsteins

-Favorite game: Pony Girl

-Favorite toy: Vtech Move & Crawl Ball (Thanks, Kris!)

Other Such Things:

-Only army crawls using one leg

-Throws food on the floor when done eating

-Holds 1 or 2 arms in front of forehead when shy or wants to look cute

-Pushes herself backward on a wood floor

-Screams super loud as soon as a room quiets

-Has started to imitate animal sounds, in her own way

-Just about ready for the convertible car seat, even through she's only 18 lbs.

Mothering and Learning.

I look at Clara and cannot believe that I made her. That such a beautiful creature came out of me. I'm counting my blessings continuously.

Last night, she woke up at two in the morning, fussy because she has a new tooth coming in. She didn't want to eat, didn't want to play. So, we laid in bed together and watched TV. I was exhausted, and all I wanted was to fall asleep. But I couldn't. Not until Clara could. I reminded myself that everything I do, it's all for her. The sleepless nights, the worry, the spit up. That's motherhood.

Clara gripped my hand with both of hers and stared at me, and I realized that she was also waiting for me to sleep. For me to relax. I am hers, just as much as she is mine.

She kicked my belly (as she does often when sleeping in my bed... she probably likes the way it jiggles) and I looked down. My stretch marks and extra fat fluff looked extra gross in the light of the TV in an otherwise dark room. And for the first time since becoming pregnant, I accepted it. I accepted the stretch marks and a body I didn't recognize because I am hers. I am part of her. I belong to her. And I belong to her completely.

And exactly that, the giving of myself to my child, that is what being a Mama is all about.

If I described my experience with motherhood to a new or expecting mom, I would say that you're not your own person anymore. When you shop, you shop for your child. You make sure that your child is bathed, and fed exactly on time, has had enough sleep, is warm and comfortable, is learning and so on. I can't say that I'm usually any of those things, much less all of them.

But motherhood isn't any of that. Not really. It's the little things. Like the way Clara smiles when I come and "rescue" her from her crib when she wakes up. How she looks so proud of herself when she stands by herself and plays without any help. Or when she figures out how to turn the page of a book and looks at me in disbelief.

Clara doesn't care if I have stretch marks, or didn't put on make-up. She cares that I read her a book before bed, and sing to her, and play with her, and make silly faces at her, and make her laugh, and hold her when she cries. That is what being a Mama is about.

Clara and I play on the floor together, and I bring my face to hers. I say, "boo", and she erupts in a fit of giggles. I know what makes her laugh. That is motherhood.

She hits herself in the head with a toy and cries. I pick her up and sing her favorite song until she falls silent and rests her head on my shoulder.
That is motherhood.

She used to roll from her back to her tummy and get stuck. She would do it in her crib before she fell asleep and when she woke up. She would do it on the floor while playing. And she would cry because she didn't know how to roll back. I spent a couple of weeks teaching her how to roll back the other way. The day she did it on her own, when I was 10 feet away folding laundry, she looked around for me, and smiled when I told her how proud I was and how she did such a good job.
That is motherhood.

I stress too much over things I can't control, stupid things, and housework. My room might be a mess, there may be a full garage of goodwill stuff to go through and the sink is full of dishes, but it doesn't matter. Time is already moving so fast. Five years from now, I'm not going to remember the dishes, or laundry, or cleaning that didn't get finished. I'm going to remember the little things.

I didn't used to be like that. And I'm still working on it.

It's not about the many (many) mistakes I've made, but rather the things I've done right. I'm getting over myself; moving past my short comings and realizing that there's something better unfolding in front of me. I'm learning to live in the moment, and let go of everything else.

It has nothing to do with what I haven't done, or what I've failed to do, and everything to do with the person and the mother I'm becoming.





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5 months old. Already?

Click the button twice to make us REALLY happy. :) And for more smiles from the bean.



Things are wonderful with us right now. Clara is thriving. She's growing so fast. I can't believe my little bundle of joy is going to be 5 months old tomorrow! She's so smart. She takes in everything around her and decides things for herself. When she meets a new person, she studies them. Decides if she likes them. Sometimes she doesn't.
In other news, I'm still desperately looking for a job. I amped up my resume, apply to multiple jobs everyday. I'm on several sites like Monster. There are several places that I've put at least an app a week in. Nothing. I'm getting really desperate. :(
I'm thankful that thus far, Clara has been raised by me instead of by a daycare. Granted, it's led to some pretty interesting attachment scenarios. She likes for me to hold her all of the time, unless she's immersed in her play, which is thankfully becoming more abundant as she develops more. I'm really excited for the stage when she can sit on her own and play, but can't crawl yet. That will be exciting. And it's coming up soon!
I feel really lame in saying that I've enjoyed every stage thus far. I mean, the newborn stage wasn't that great. I was very new, so I was terrified to even lay her down in her crib. That she would somehow find a way to suffocate, aspirate, or something. I didn't want anyone else to hold her. I was still going through complications from my c-section, and breastfeeding came with it's difficulties. But I loved that she slept so much. I loved that all she wanted was to snuggle with me. I loved that I didn't have to deal with bottles or formula, or baby food. Things were simpler. All I needed were my boobs, the pack n' play, and a stack of diapers and wipes. Now I have all of this stuff to lug from room to room, and place to place.
I will never. Ever. Forget the day that she smiled for real; not because of gas, but because she was happy. My mom says she smiles 1000+ times a day, and I wouldn't doubt it. It was so cool when she could hold a toy, and play with her hands. She finally had means of entertaining herself.
Then came the giggles. They're still a bit far between, and I swear the same thing never works twice to make her laugh. I always make her laugh on accident. Something that didn't work previously to bring the giggles out, works now, and vice versa. And the discovery of the feet. That was a BIG step that I think is undervalued in child development. Once she figured out how to do that, all bets were off. Discovering how to maneuver her legs so she could reach her feet was a big deal. Now she knows how to move! Last week, she scooted herself 3 feet on her back across the floor. She can pivot in circles around her head, and roll from her tummy to her back. In fact, tummy time has improved so much. She actually enjoys it now. She can do it for 20 minutes without being fussy.
Now she does this maneuver in which she arches her back, and pushes up on one leg, then rocks back and forth. I think it means that she's about to start rolling from back to tummy. Yay!
She's getting to the stage where she loves testing sounds. She'll throw a toy, or see what happens when she hits my mouth repeatedly while I sing to her, or hit herself in the head with her rattle (I wait for the tears every time, but they never appear. She's a tough cookie.) I love each stage more and more. I love seeing her grow, and learn, and explore. But I feel like I'm missing so much at the same time. I guess I just don't want her to grow up tooo fast.

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4 months already?

Yep. You heard right. My little bean is 4 months old today. On one hand, it seems like she's grown so fast. It was just yesterday that new was too small for her newborn clothes and I'm about to pack away her 3 month clothes. Crazy.
On the other hand, I can't remember life before Clara. She's doing all sorts of new things. She tried cereal for the first time yesterday. Today was the first full-out giggle I've heard while tickling her belly button (which has finally receded to a normal size). She plays in her exersaucer and is getting pretty good at playing and manipulating her toys.
We're struggling in the breastfeeding department. My supply has decreased drastically since I started the birth control, implanon. I've done everything I can think of to increase it. I'm taking fenugreek capsules, drinking milk maid tea, drinking more water, getting plenty of sleep. Because I'm estimating that she's only getting an ounce (if we're that lucky), I'll breastfeed then give her a 4-6 oz. bottle, then pump on each side for 10 minutes. Nothing. I've been doing this for about a month.
But anyway, life is good. My baby is healthy and sleeping through the night.I'm blessed. :)

My beautiful 2 month old daughter

Tomorrow, Clara will be 2 months old. Where has the time gone. It feels like just yesterday I was seeing her emerge from my belly. Pink, screaming, and puffy. She was and is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Holding her in my arms felt so right. I feel complete for the first time in my life.

She has her Daddy's eyes and my ears... so far.
She gets this big, open-mouthed smile and coos at the same time. It melts my heart.
She loves the boobs.
She stands while being held.
She studies your face and you feel like she's staring into your soul.
Bath/shower time is the best. She's quiet and completely content.
She loves music. Especially Bob Marley and Adele.
She farts like a grown man.
I love how her breathing sounds when she sleeps.
She has the biggest, most beautiful blue eyes.
She's mastered pulling her pacifier out of her mouth.
She can push herself up on her forearms, and creep on her belly.
Every morning when she wakes up, she smiles for like an hour.
Cuddling with Mom and Dad is her favorite.
She has long fingers and long feet.
Mommy's chest is her favorite place to sleep.

I'm going to miss her cuddling with me all of the time, staying where I put her, smiling for no reason, the look of wonderment on her face, the scheduled feeding and sleeping times, and the way her face lights up when I pick her up.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. She may have not been planned, but I wouldn't change a thing.