How to handle a pregnant woman.

1. Never argue with a pregnant woman. This will lead to a lot of pain. Emotional for her and possibly physical for you.

2. Never point out bloated body parts or stretch marks on her unless you know how to duck and cover very well.

3. Don’t make comments about weight gain unless you want to have a vasectomy done with a carving knife.

4. If she makes a comment about any of these issues, tell her she’s beautiful. You might want to practice this a few times out loud and in front of a mirror so you can say it with a straight face and with some form of sincerity in your voice.

5. Never argue with a pregnant woman.

6. Don’t be surprised if your standard red meat ‘n’ potatoes dinner is suddenly usurped by fresh veggies, whole grains and lean cuts of meat.

7. If you must make a comment about the fact that the woman who’s carrying your spawn into this world is sweating like an unworked horse, tell her that she’s glowing. To tell her otherwise would be…unwise.

8. Be prepared to be asked for your opinion on how the baby’s room should be decorated and try not to act too surprised when it is promptly ignored.

9. Same goes for baby names.

10. Get ready for some really strange food cravings and be prepared to go get said food. I don’t care if it is 2:41 in the morning, get your sorry ass out of that bed and go and get it. NOW, MISTER!!!

11. If you smoke and she doesn’t, don’t be surprised if you and your cancer sticks are banned from the house. No, she really doesn’t care if it’s 12 degrees outside with a wind chill factor of -10, you’re not smoking around the baby.

12. Never, EVER, argue with a pregnant woman.

13. Nesting will become a fact of life. When she decides it’s time to move the furniture, you can either help or be sleeping on the couch that you refused to move because the game was on.

14. Think you can handle gore? Think again. You will be forced to watch birthing videos until you’re wondering if it’s too late to enlist (or re-enlist) and be shipped overseas at least until after the baby comes.

15. Babies are very expensive and the baby product industry is inundated with products, some you need, most you don’t. Take an experienced parent (one with kids well out of diapers, but not so far out of diapers that they’re thinking about grandkids) to the baby store and let him/her help you pick out what you really need for your registry. This will save you time and money. Do not follow the store’s recommendation. They’re there to separate you from your money and if the kid(s) gets some benefit out of it, goody for them.

16. Make a birthing plan for the nurses/doctor and then promptly forget to give it to them. It’s not like they’re going to look at it anyways.

17. Foot massages and back rubs will earn you brownie points.

18. Bringing over the guys for an unexpected night of poker or ball game watching and expecting her to cater to you and your friends will earn you a night on the couch. If you’re lucky.

19. Unless you are a world class sprinter, never assume that you can outrun an angry pregnant woman. It won’t end well.

20. Don’t make comments about your wife’s/girlfriend’s sanity where she can hear you…see #19.
21. Never stand between a pregnant woman and food or a bathroom…unless you enjoy being trampled.

22. Learning to cook and clean will go a long way in making your woman happy. And you want to make your woman happy. Right? I said RIGHT!?

23. You like to drive? Not any more. It’s physically easier on a pregnant woman if she drives. However, don’t expect to get the car keys back once the baby comes. After all, you drive like a maniac and no, it really doesn’t matter that she has more traffic violations than you do.

24. Sex. A pregnant woman’s desire for sex during pregnancy can be anywhere from wanton minx to celibate nun. If you get any, count yourself lucky.

25. Did I mention not arguing with a pregnant woman?