To my beautiful Clara.

Clara Leanne-

You will be 3 months old in a couple of days. The time has flown since your birthday, but at the same time, it feels like I've had you forever. You're the most beautiful baby, and are so well behaved. Everyone says so. Aunt Dena said to me yesterday, "you know... they aren't all this easy." And it's true. I feel like I take you for granted sometimes. You sleep through the night, you're breastfeeding like a pro, and you rarely cry. Thank you. Thank you for taking it easy on your first-time mama. You slept until 9:30 today, then you nursed and watched tv with me for a bit, and now you're sleeping again right in the middle of my bed. I cannot believe how incredibly blessed and happy I am to be your mama.
You are so strong for your age. You can do little push-ups when on your belly, and you can sit up almost by yourself, your little hands gripping my fingers. You have the most beautiful blue eyes and several different smiles. You have this one smile with your mouth wide open and your tongue sticking out (I call it the sack doll smile) that makes me laugh every time. You love diaper changing time. It's like your so happy to get that wet diaper off. And you love to be naked. As soon as I lay you down on the changing table, you get a huge smile on your face. Really, you're just smiley all of the time.
You take in everything around you all of the time, blue eyes WIDE open. I always wonder what your thinking about or dreaming about. You love it when I sing to you. You stare at me, entranced, and smile off and on. Your favorite song is "All the pretty little horses", but really any song will do. You're growing so quickly. At first, you were too small for your newborn clothes, and I turn around and you're already in your 3 month outfits. Where has the time gone?
I firmly believe that if you could just figure out how, and you had the traction, you would be crawling all over the house. However you're sitting or laying, you're just kicking those skinny little legs all over. You love your Grandmas and your Grandpas. You love to stare at people's faces. You study them. Memorize them. I know that you're brilliant. I can see it. You study your toys. You'll look at every aspect of them before you try to reach out to play with them.
It's been the best 3 months of my life, my beautiful daughter. I couldn't be more proud to be your Mommy. You make me so happy all of the time. I can't wait to live the rest of my life with you, watching you grow and flourish.

All my love,
Mama

My beautiful 2 month old daughter

Tomorrow, Clara will be 2 months old. Where has the time gone. It feels like just yesterday I was seeing her emerge from my belly. Pink, screaming, and puffy. She was and is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Holding her in my arms felt so right. I feel complete for the first time in my life.

She has her Daddy's eyes and my ears... so far.
She gets this big, open-mouthed smile and coos at the same time. It melts my heart.
She loves the boobs.
She stands while being held.
She studies your face and you feel like she's staring into your soul.
Bath/shower time is the best. She's quiet and completely content.
She loves music. Especially Bob Marley and Adele.
She farts like a grown man.
I love how her breathing sounds when she sleeps.
She has the biggest, most beautiful blue eyes.
She's mastered pulling her pacifier out of her mouth.
She can push herself up on her forearms, and creep on her belly.
Every morning when she wakes up, she smiles for like an hour.
Cuddling with Mom and Dad is her favorite.
She has long fingers and long feet.
Mommy's chest is her favorite place to sleep.

I'm going to miss her cuddling with me all of the time, staying where I put her, smiling for no reason, the look of wonderment on her face, the scheduled feeding and sleeping times, and the way her face lights up when I pick her up.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. She may have not been planned, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Update: although few and far between

Clara turned six weeks old this past Saturday. She's up to 8lbs 11oz and 21" long. I realized this week that she almost can't fit in the sleepers I've been putting her in since birth. I cried because she'll never wear them again. She also doesnt fit into her newborn diapers anymore. I have about 2 days worth left, but after that, it's on to size one. I can't believe how fast it's going. I feel like we've just finally gotten the hang of breastfeeding and have gotten her on a sleep schedule, and now it's all going to change once she learns how to roll over and sit up. She smiles, but I'm pretty sure she can't control it, or at least doesn't do it in response to anything I do.
Mother's day was fun. BD's brother took pictures of Clara, and BD got me a huge collage frame to put them in. He also gave me this super sweet card from him and Clara. The only thing that would have made the day better is seeing my Mommy. :( Speaking of which, it's her birthday today! Happy birthday, my 54-year-old-cancer-beating-mother! That's right! My mama is done with chemo and had surgery to get her port out last Friday. Now it's onto regrowing some hair and getting new boobs. :)
My big sister, Ashley, is preggo with her third bebe. I get to have another nephew! They found out last week, and I was wrong since I thought it was gonna be a girl. Oh, well.
Anyways, that's it until the next time I have access to interwebs. Enjoy!

Birth Story

Starting on Monday, March 21st, I couldn't feel the bean move as much as she had been. Or, really, at all. I've heard from everyone that movement slows down in the week or so before birth, so I was hopeful that it would be happening soon. My doctor said she should still be moving after every meal and at night when I'm going to bed, which she wasn't. I had an appointment on Thursday, March 24th and asked my doctor about her movement. She ordered a non-stress test after my appointment. For the hour I was on the monitor, bebe moved once. The doctor said her heart looked good, but she ordered me a non-stress test for the following Monday, set my induction date for April 4th, and sent me home.
On Friday, March 25th, I woke up still feeling uneasy. My Mom and sister called from my Mom's chemo treatment, and I shared my concerns with them. I kept telling my Mom that something wasn't right, and I needed to hold the bean in my arms, and then I would feel better. They both told me to go in and demand a non-stress test. So, I did. I drank juice, they put a vibration thing up against my belly, and the doctor tried moving her all around, but she wouldn't budge. I told my doctor that I would like an ultrasound, and it would really make me feel better.
She sent me to the hospital for a bio-physical profile, and they got me in right away. I called BD at work to let him know what was going on, and he said to let him know as soon as I knew anything. I also called my Mom and sister. The ultrasound tech was mostly quiet, but I got to see little bean's hands and feet move, and see her lungs working. She told me I could go home and would know within the hour.
I really didn't think anything was wrong. We've had so many false alarms, I'm used to over-reacting, but feeling better once I was checked out. I went to Old Navy and looked at baby clothes, then went to Barnes & Noble to continue searching for baby names, and doing parenting research. After the first hour with no news, I had a very anxious boyfriend, mother, and sister.
As I was beginning a list entitled "Things to do before the baby comes", the doctor called. She explained that my amniotic fluid was low, and that they wanted to induce me whenever I got to the hospital. I had a mini-panic attack, and she told me to pack last-minute things and eat a good meal. I left several books sitting out and left right away. As I was getting in the car, I called BD and said,
"We're having a baby."
"Today? Like right now?"
"Yes."
He left work to meet me at home. I called my Mom and sisters, drove home, and started grabbing last minute things. I forced myself to take a deep-breath, then walked in the nursery and cried my eyes out, staring at an empty crib that wouldn't be empty for long. BD got back and ate a meal, all while freaking out. I ate a banana. I made him stand in the nursery and take a deep breath, then told him to appreciate the silence for the last time. I kept rubbing my belly, trying to remember the feeling of the baby inside me. We got our last-minute things together, and left for the hospital.

Once we were settled and I was hooked up to monitors, the on call doctor came in to talk to us. She told us that we were in quite the dire situation. My fluid was not only low, it was dangerously low. There was 1 cc of fluid left (they like to see 10 cc). She said those are the babies that die, and that we were lucky to have found it now, before it was too late.

(And now to finish this story...)
I have to say that the worst part of the whole process was the monitors and iv. Especially since it was in my birth plan not to have those things. I was tethered to the bed by them, and couldn't even walk the halls.

Anyways, I was induced around 10 pm on Friday night. I slept maybe a total of 20 minutes the entire night. It was torture. Around 3 pm the following day, the on call doctor broke my water. Nothing was left. At 4 pm, my cervix had only dilated to 2.5 cm. (I had been at 2 cm for the last 3 weeks, so I had only progressed a 1/2 cm.) So, after 18 hours of drug-free labor and only a 1/2 cm of progression, it was decided that I would have a C-section. I cried. A lot. After all my work on my birth plan, my 2 months of hypnobabies, and TONS of research, I was disappointed. I felt like a failure. I know I wasn't, and the only thing that was important was a healthy baby, but I was disappointed. I wanted to do the whole thing naturally and drug-free. (*I learned that the best way of knowing what's going to happen, is to write a birth plan, and then expect the EXACT opposite to happen.)

Once a C-section was decided, the whole process happened very fast. BD dressed in scrubs and got the camera raedy. I said 'see ya later' to my mama, and they walked me into the operating room. (It was sterile and scary.) I was so afraid of moving while they did the spinal block (but I didn't). Not feeling pain is the weirdest sensation. I could feel what they were doing, but it didn't hurt. When I was all set up, they had BD come in and sit by my head. From there, it went quickly. BD talked to me the whole time.
When it was time to pull her out, the anesthesiologist held a mirror up so I could see her come out. :) She was so beautiful and perfect, all covered in blood and mucus. (BD says she looked like a demon.) BD just kept saying, "oh my goodness, oh my goodness", and taking pictures. I couldn't say anything. I just stared. I started crying right away. They cleaned her up and brought her over to Lee. I kissed her and stared. They took her to the nursery, and Lee stayed with me. I was so worried that everyone would get to hold her before me.
Now that she was out, and safe, I worried about me. They took about 30-45 minutes to close me up. I was trying not to freak out. (BD got a picture of the doctor sewing up my uterus while it was laying on my belly...eww.) They finally finished and took me to the recovery room. Lee's entire family and my mom and sister were waiting right outside my room. BD and the bean were waiting for me, and I got to hold her second, after him. :)
The nurses helped me start to breastfeed right away. It didn't work. Getting out of bed for the first time was horrible. I was very slow and in pain for the first two weeks. It took the baby and I about 10 days to get the hang of breastfeeding. It was very stressful.
Overall, I'm ok with the outcome. :) They took the staples out too early, and my incision separated. It became infected. I got an infection in my uterus, bringing on a cat-scan and 2 different antibiotics, and it still hasn't gone away. I couldn't get out of bed for the first week, even with vicodin, so I slept in a recliner. But through the pain and disappointment, I got the most beautiful and healthy baby girl.
Hopefully, once we finally get hooked up to the internet, I can start posting on a daily basis. Thanks for reading, and I would love comments and your continued support. Oh, and a vote if you wouldn't mind. :)

Happy Birthday!


Clara Leanne
Saturday March 26th, 2011
5:51 pm
6 lbs 15 oz 18 in

My apologies

I have not been on since moving! It's very stressful not having the interwebs. I've been wanting to post badly but have been very busy moving and unpacking and such. We don't have cable or internet at the moment, so I'm writing on my Mom's laptop. :) Sorry. The last week or so of my pregnancy was horrible! Combine not having the comforts of home, limited food options, and a CRAPPY mattress, and you have a very unhappy pregnant woman. Stay tuned.

All moved in...

We moved into the new place this weekend! It has so much space and I finally got to do the nursery. I'll have to post more at a later date, as I don't currently have a computer and I'm typing this on my phone. :)

Goodwill, anyone?

I have so much crap! I'm packing EVERYTHING today in anticipation of moving into our new apartment! Yay! It's cutting it close, I must say. We get the keys on Friday morning, and I know I've wanted the baby out like crazy, but if she could at least wait until Saturday or Sunday to make her appearance, I'll feel a lot better about things. I know she has to come out eventually, but it feels like it's taking forever! (13 days to go until the guess date!)
Anyway, I'm moving a bunch of smaller stuff in my car tomorrow night, and my Mama is coming with a truck of all of my big stuff on Saturday. BD Is going to move most of our furniture on Saturday and Sunday as well. The thing is, he tends to do things on "Lee time". As in when it's convenient for him. Last night, I tried to explain to him that I've been needing to nest... badly... for about 2 months now. He doesn't get it. He says "we'll put the crib up when we get around to it". Which, to him, means when the baby comes home from the hospital and needs a place to sleep. I'm NOT waiting for that to happen. So, I think when my Mom brings stuff up on Saturday, we're going to put the crib together, as well as much of the nursery.
Now that I'm packing everything, I realize how much crap I have. I have soo many clothes that I'm sure I'll never be able to wear again. :( Once we move in, I'm going to have to go through everything (if I'm still killing time before the baby comes) and do it then. Can anyone say tax deduction?
I have a few projects to work on as well. I need to do paddles for my sorority. Mine broke (I don't want to talk about it... I'm still bitter), so I want to re-make it. Not to mention I want to make my pledge class paddle, and my sister, Melissa's paddle. Also, I want to make a crib skirt and bumper for the nursery, and I came across a pattern for a little stuffed elephant which would be soo cute for the baby. So, some last minute things to make my pre-baby resolutions would be nice. Ohhh! And my mom found a pretty white canopy for over the crib in the nursery at Goodwill for $2.99! So I need to do some work on that as well. I'm going to be busy!